I went to a support group for several months a while back- Alanon. I remember leaving from my first meeting with my girlfriend and saying... "If we are in these groups 20 years from now- shoot me." Were these women (and some men) crazy? Some had spent 20+ years coming to those groups. And they weren't "better" yet? That was NOT going to me.
I would hear what I needed to hear- that is was his fault- entirely. That would make things all better. Validation for my feelings. Surely they would all understand that he was the one with the problem. Not me.

Much to my surprise, it was the EXACT opposite but not as simple as it sounds. Was I the reason he drank? No. Was I the reason he was arrested? No. Was I the reason he would seek help? No. But... was I the reason we fought when he drank.... not completely but I certainly didn't help the situation.. My mouth was (and still is) too big and I was too proud to just let him rant. I had to have my say and he was going to listen- regardless if he heard me or not.

Our fights drove me to the brink of insanity. I began questioning myself about everything. I was so sick that I would believe his lies over my own judgment. I could smell the liquor on his breath- but he would tell me I was crazy and I would believe him. I would find bottles- all over the house and car- but he would tell me they were from the oh-so-distant past and I would believe him. He would call when he was out of town on business trips and I could hear it in his voice- again, I was the crazy one. He would promise over and over, again and again, that it would NEVER happen again- and I.... believed him.

Each time he fell off the wagon, or was caught red handed I felt redeemed.... but every time he promised I believed his words over my own intuition. So you see it WAS my fault. It was my fault for not listening to me.

For the longest time, I buried my true feelings out of fear. Fear of change, fear of disappointment, fear of failure. I discovered a piece of "me" in that meeting room. Something that afforded me the courage to do what I felt in my heart- for the first time- in a LONG time.... listen to me. The courageous women, who had experienced things far worse than I, taught me to believe in myself again.

Did I learn all there was to learn? Absolutely not. BUT, I did learn enough to get me to the next phase of my life and I have a new found faith and trust in myself again. For that, I am forever grateful to them..... and him.