you get what you give

on my way to work the other day.... listening to one of my all time favorite cd's... i've probably heard this particular song 100's of times. i can quote the lyrics like i'm part of the band.

"and when the day is done

what you receive is the sum

of what you took out

from what you put in"

i start thinking... what will my sum be at the end of it all? will it be positive? negative? if you were to poll those in my life, past and present, what would they say? does what they say matter? what if i've made peace with these things but they are unable to forgive? what if they have forgiven me but i find no peace? do my contributions outweigh my withdrawals? if my withdrawals were not intentional am i held accountable? if my contributions happened out of luck, do i get "credit"?

i want my sum to be positive.

in a funk

i have met some insightful people who have taught me various ways to contain/control my thoughts when necessary. most days it's how i choose to live. today, i don't want to. i want to feel what i feel and not what i am tricking myself into feeling. i am sad and it's okay to be sad.

anyone who knows me will tell you i'm a problem solver. i'm the one you want with you if you are stranded on an island, if your man leaves you or if you have a house you want to renovate. i enjoy helping people. through, what i consider, helping others, i've become quite capable of diverting my attention away from my own issues. so good, in fact, i have developed these lovely codependency characteristics.

by consuming myself with everyone else's issues, i have been able to forget about my issues or at the very least use their circumstances as a benchmark to convince myself that mine weren't so bad. i mean, how can your failing marriage compare to that of a girlfriend whose fiancé was tragically killed 2 months before their wedding? how can you complain about your son not sleeping in his bed at night when a girlfriend loses her baby in her first trimester? or what about the girlfriend, who wanted a family, was promised a family and that promise was never fulfilled? you see, in comparison my problems were nothing. at least that's what i told myself.

then one day, those problems of mine, they came looking for me and they wanted some attention. it wasn't until all these things i had been ignoring hit me in the face that i realized all i had been doing was running. running away from issues i should have dealt with a long time ago. if it hadn't been for the severity of these problems and them coming to fruition at once, i don't know if it would have had the impact on me that it did. i suppose i should be thankful. but today, i am sad........

fun in the sun

a blissful weekend starts in 56 mins.

picnic at the park tonight

day of fun at the pool tomorrow

boating on the lake sunday

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

we will sing

we will laugh

we will dance

we will play ball

we will be silly

~~HAPPY TIMES~~

"i will be positive using my sense of humor to accomplish happiness and in doing so will achieve love, sincerely and unconditionally."

just stop it already and um .... be happy?

This whole blogging scene is new to me. I rarely read blogs much less post myself. The thought of writing about me, my life, my worries, my hopes, my dreams, etc. for anyone to read is horrifying. That being said… why am I here?? Not sure, but I’m feeling the desire- so I am going with it.

Growing up, I had this plan. A plan similar to most little girls I imagine. I would meet Mr. Right, have a fairy-tale wedding, buy a house with a white picket fence, have 2.5 kids and live happily ever after. 25 years later, reality sets in. Mr. Right was someone you knew a long time ago and let slip away. That fairy tale wedding turned in to a 15 min. ceremony with a judge. The house has no fence, and you are a kid and a half short of the national average.

I’ve been blessed with a wonderful family, friends that might as well be family, a promising career and a child that I fall more and more in love with each day. One might be inclined to think I would be satisfied with that. For a while, I convinced myself I was- now, I want more. Not to sound ungrateful but I want the happily ever after. I know it’s up to me to get there so while I’m trying to find my happy place if anyone knows where the reset button is for life is, can you let me know please?

More later……..

"i will be positive using my sense of humor to accomplish happiness and in doing so achieve love, sincerely and unconditionally"