ive found it difficult to share lately. if you know me personally (which if you are reading this chances are good that you do) you know that seldom am i at a loss for words or have trouble expressing myself. shockingly- i find myself unable to convey the feelings i am having these days.

i have a friend who tells me to stop trying to fight (control) things…. "embrace the shitty" is what he says. sounds absurd, right? who the hell wants to embraces the shitty? me…? i fight like hell to steer clear of the shitty. maybe that’s my problem. instead of bobbing and weaving to escape the shitty i should lie down in bed and let the shitty run all over me???

about 5 years ago, i found myself sad. constantly. i couldn’t shake this overwhelming feeling of sadness. couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from…. maybe i just preferred not to. whatever it was though, found me and it wasn’t leaving. so i did what a lot of people do- i went to my doctor. imagine my surprise when she tells me… "oh honey, that’s called being a woman. i have just the thing for you. take this to the pharmacy, get if filled and take one of these each morning when you wake up". a pill i can get, legally, that will help with this shit? done. it was a miracle pill. those outbursts i became so accustomed to no longer existed. winner. not to mention the pill was named after me- sarafem. how could this be a bad thing?

what they don’t mention to you is when you start taking these miracle pills is that when you decide you want to procreate you should probably stop taking them. lucky for me, i had a mother-in-law who had the low down on everything i should and shouldn’t do while trying to conceive. first and foremost, stop taking birth control. check. stop smoking- check. stop taking happy pill- check. start taking folic acid- check. oh and did i mention i did this all on the same day- cold turkey?

hardly the brilliance i'm use to exuding... ha. at this point, i feel like jumping off a cliff, not making love to my husband to create this legacy of love. fortunately for us, valentines day neared and we conceived. 9 months later, we have the most incredible bundle of joy and i decide that having gone without those pills for close to a year there’s no reason to start back now.

that lasted about as long as the breast feeding did. a few months later, i'm back at the doc telling her that i can't sleep more than 15 feet away from my son. i am constantly checking to make sure he is breathing. i have this ever-present fear that something horrible is waiting for us around the corner. she tells me "every new mother goes thru this. here, take this to the pharmacy, get it filled and take one daily". surprise, surprise- it worked. so much, in fact, that i started letting him sleep on his stomach. (gasp, i know)

a year later, i’m back at the doc telling her that i have the anxiety under control but still feel like something is not quite right. again, unable to pinpoint where this was coming from. we move to something new… a new and improved happy pill. it's got everything i need wrapped in one pill!!! it works like a charm. no excessive crying, no raging tempers, no anxiety. i feel 'normal' again.

all this brings me back to embracing the shitty. the shitty is all around us. no one is immune to it. i've spent 6 years trying to control things that are out of my control. taking pills to feel one way and then needing a pill to counter that pill.... so i'm done. no more pills. i will deal with what i am dealt and..... embrace the shitty.