7th inning stretch

we took clay to his first ever, real baseball game last week. we fibbed a bit and told him we were on our way to the library as to not disappoint him should something....anything interfere with us getting there.

as we got closer and closer to the stadium, he noticed the ticket scalpers on the side of the road and casually says.... "what do they need tickets for??" i say, "who, what" he says, "those guys on the side of the road, holding those signs- what do they need tickets to?" how in the world did he know what those signs said??? needless to say- a proud moment.

as we pull into the parking lot, he notices the huge baseball on top of the stadium. he then says.... "we aren't going to the library, we are going to the braves game." the smile on his face was magnificent. it made me so happy to be there and experience that "first" with him.

here are some pictures........

my everything.....

....and then some

gratitude

i spend almost 3 hours in the car each day, most of it alone. you would think that would allow me the opportunity to reflect on how fortunate i am. i'm ashamed to say that most of the ride is spent either on the phone, planning the day, night or upcoming weekend, discussing the divorce, catching up with friends, arguing with clay about how he thinks i run red lights (which i don't) or maybe just maybe listening to some music and escaping from it all- for a moment at least.

what i need to do is turn the radio off, throw the cell phone in a lake, quit talking about the divorce and let it run it's course and just be thankful.

thankful for:

• having a solid relationship with the most incredible child
• waking up again to enjoy a new day
• having a family that stands by each other- thru thick and thin, right or wrong
• a home where i can tuck my son in bed at night
• my sons health
• a career that allows me to support myself and my son
• loyal friends that forgive me when i screw up
• my two brothers
• my kitties
• how my mom is always there- even when i don't want her to be.... but end up needing her to be and she knows it.
• how my dad brags to my mom about how smart he thinks i am...
• a, l, b, f, t, b, r, j, t, m, s........ you know who you are.
• and so much more...

so today, thursday, june 14...... i will remember to be grateful for everything and everyone in my life. when i have a difficult time, i will remind myself of the good fortunes i have and that it could always be worse.

d day

today i met with my attorney about the divorce. i didn't even make it to the meeting room before the tears just started flowing.... uncontrollably. usually, i can bury those embarrassing emotions- especially in front of people i don't know. but today, as i put my hand out to shake hers , i am unable to stop the flow. you just have to let it run it's course. so i did. of course she reminds me.... "everyone does this, don't worry". um, yeah... thanks- i feel much better now.

the meeting went well. i had to review with her the current situation. it had changed a bit since our last visit. i no longer require supervised visitation, random alcohol tests, etc. we talked about the house, debt, child support, custody. i feel like we accomplished a lot. at least i know what the next step is.

i don't know if he remembers me telling him that i was going today or not. either way, he sends me a text and asks if i want to go fishing tonight??? me- fishing...i think not. i simply reply with "just left attorney's office". that was obviously a shock to him and he asked if he should get in touch with his attorney now. i tell him to do what makes him comfortable. i don't plan to sneak up on him and serve him with papers. i want to be open and honest about all this.

Then, he decided to call me and tell me that he wants joint/split custody. Basically, that means 1/2 time with me, 1/2 time with him. that is not a good thing i say. i think he needs a home base and he needs to feel a sense of belonging to somewhere. and that somewhere is going to be with me. had he thought about the repercussions before he started living the lifestyle he chose perhaps this wouldn't be the situation. but he did, so it is.

at this point, i am pissed. who in the hell does he think he is? you got a dui with my kid in the car and you think i am going to split custody with you??? um, no. you gave that right up the minute you jeopardized his life. he is mine and i can't even believe that i have to fight this out with him. now, instead of being sad... i'm mad.

mad is so much easier. i like the mad. hate the sad.