i have met some insightful people who have taught me various ways to contain/control my thoughts when necessary. most days it's how i choose to live. today, i don't want to. i want to feel what i feel and not what i am tricking myself into feeling. i am sad and it's okay to be sad.
anyone who knows me will tell you i'm a problem solver. i'm the one you want with you if you are stranded on an island, if your man leaves you or if you have a house you want to renovate. i enjoy helping people. through, what i consider, helping others, i've become quite capable of diverting my attention away from my own issues. so good, in fact, i have developed these lovely codependency characteristics.
by consuming myself with everyone else's issues, i have been able to forget about my issues or at the very least use their circumstances as a benchmark to convince myself that mine weren't so bad. i mean, how can your failing marriage compare to that of a girlfriend whose fiancé was tragically killed 2 months before their wedding? how can you complain about your son not sleeping in his bed at night when a girlfriend loses her baby in her first trimester? or what about the girlfriend, who wanted a family, was promised a family and that promise was never fulfilled? you see, in comparison my problems were nothing. at least that's what i told myself.
then one day, those problems of mine, they came looking for me and they wanted some attention. it wasn't until all these things i had been ignoring hit me in the face that i realized all i had been doing was running. running away from issues i should have dealt with a long time ago. if it hadn't been for the severity of these problems and them coming to fruition at once, i don't know if it would have had the impact on me that it did. i suppose i should be thankful. but today, i am sad........
