32......33

i don't know if i have ever celebrated my birthday with as much enthusiasm as i did this year. i was thrilled to be getting rid of '32'. estatic to be moving forward with the life plans i have for myself and my son. looking forward to possible career changes. anticipating new friendships and cherishing the old ones.

my celebrating began when my ridiculously handsome son woke up, sat straight up in bed and said.... "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY"..... imagine this face.....

those words..... and his little arms giving me a hug... the day could have ended on that note and it would have been fine by me.... but it gets better....

after standing in line at the dmv for two hours (thank you asshat in front of me who broke the machine)- i raced to school for "Family Day!!!"

..............arrived at work to find not one, but two birthday cakes..............

as if that wasn't a full day already....... i had dinner with a table full of friends and family at one of my favorite restaurants. after that.... the details are a bit blurry so here are some pics from the evening.....

one of my baby brothers

one of my favorite people in the whole world... lindsey

another spectacular girl who i was so excited to see

my daddy

just us girls

i have talented friends....

the random "O" face

i'm sure the converstaion was brilliant at this point... ha ha no pun intended

time for sara to go home.... note the eyes...

and the bday celebration didn't stop there.... (mainly because i demanded we celebrate my birth all weekend long) nevertheless.... we went to a concert at this fabulous outdoor venue. company was great, music was very cool but i think the camera had one too many margaritas......

Thank you for a wonderful birthday everyone. I love you all. Those that weren't there.... like you, you and you..... Next year.... you owe me double!!!!

our weekend

surprise vist from clay's best bud

late night visit to waffle house... his idea (promise)

funny faces while we were there

riding bikes in the street after dark

church with family

LOVE.....HUGS.....KISSES

ive found it difficult to share lately. if you know me personally (which if you are reading this chances are good that you do) you know that seldom am i at a loss for words or have trouble expressing myself. shockingly- i find myself unable to convey the feelings i am having these days.

i have a friend who tells me to stop trying to fight (control) things…. "embrace the shitty" is what he says. sounds absurd, right? who the hell wants to embraces the shitty? me…? i fight like hell to steer clear of the shitty. maybe that’s my problem. instead of bobbing and weaving to escape the shitty i should lie down in bed and let the shitty run all over me???

about 5 years ago, i found myself sad. constantly. i couldn’t shake this overwhelming feeling of sadness. couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from…. maybe i just preferred not to. whatever it was though, found me and it wasn’t leaving. so i did what a lot of people do- i went to my doctor. imagine my surprise when she tells me… "oh honey, that’s called being a woman. i have just the thing for you. take this to the pharmacy, get if filled and take one of these each morning when you wake up". a pill i can get, legally, that will help with this shit? done. it was a miracle pill. those outbursts i became so accustomed to no longer existed. winner. not to mention the pill was named after me- sarafem. how could this be a bad thing?

what they don’t mention to you is when you start taking these miracle pills is that when you decide you want to procreate you should probably stop taking them. lucky for me, i had a mother-in-law who had the low down on everything i should and shouldn’t do while trying to conceive. first and foremost, stop taking birth control. check. stop smoking- check. stop taking happy pill- check. start taking folic acid- check. oh and did i mention i did this all on the same day- cold turkey?

hardly the brilliance i'm use to exuding... ha. at this point, i feel like jumping off a cliff, not making love to my husband to create this legacy of love. fortunately for us, valentines day neared and we conceived. 9 months later, we have the most incredible bundle of joy and i decide that having gone without those pills for close to a year there’s no reason to start back now.

that lasted about as long as the breast feeding did. a few months later, i'm back at the doc telling her that i can't sleep more than 15 feet away from my son. i am constantly checking to make sure he is breathing. i have this ever-present fear that something horrible is waiting for us around the corner. she tells me "every new mother goes thru this. here, take this to the pharmacy, get it filled and take one daily". surprise, surprise- it worked. so much, in fact, that i started letting him sleep on his stomach. (gasp, i know)

a year later, i’m back at the doc telling her that i have the anxiety under control but still feel like something is not quite right. again, unable to pinpoint where this was coming from. we move to something new… a new and improved happy pill. it's got everything i need wrapped in one pill!!! it works like a charm. no excessive crying, no raging tempers, no anxiety. i feel 'normal' again.

all this brings me back to embracing the shitty. the shitty is all around us. no one is immune to it. i've spent 6 years trying to control things that are out of my control. taking pills to feel one way and then needing a pill to counter that pill.... so i'm done. no more pills. i will deal with what i am dealt and..... embrace the shitty.

I went to a support group for several months a while back- Alanon. I remember leaving from my first meeting with my girlfriend and saying... "If we are in these groups 20 years from now- shoot me." Were these women (and some men) crazy? Some had spent 20+ years coming to those groups. And they weren't "better" yet? That was NOT going to me.
I would hear what I needed to hear- that is was his fault- entirely. That would make things all better. Validation for my feelings. Surely they would all understand that he was the one with the problem. Not me.

Much to my surprise, it was the EXACT opposite but not as simple as it sounds. Was I the reason he drank? No. Was I the reason he was arrested? No. Was I the reason he would seek help? No. But... was I the reason we fought when he drank.... not completely but I certainly didn't help the situation.. My mouth was (and still is) too big and I was too proud to just let him rant. I had to have my say and he was going to listen- regardless if he heard me or not.

Our fights drove me to the brink of insanity. I began questioning myself about everything. I was so sick that I would believe his lies over my own judgment. I could smell the liquor on his breath- but he would tell me I was crazy and I would believe him. I would find bottles- all over the house and car- but he would tell me they were from the oh-so-distant past and I would believe him. He would call when he was out of town on business trips and I could hear it in his voice- again, I was the crazy one. He would promise over and over, again and again, that it would NEVER happen again- and I.... believed him.

Each time he fell off the wagon, or was caught red handed I felt redeemed.... but every time he promised I believed his words over my own intuition. So you see it WAS my fault. It was my fault for not listening to me.

For the longest time, I buried my true feelings out of fear. Fear of change, fear of disappointment, fear of failure. I discovered a piece of "me" in that meeting room. Something that afforded me the courage to do what I felt in my heart- for the first time- in a LONG time.... listen to me. The courageous women, who had experienced things far worse than I, taught me to believe in myself again.

Did I learn all there was to learn? Absolutely not. BUT, I did learn enough to get me to the next phase of my life and I have a new found faith and trust in myself again. For that, I am forever grateful to them..... and him.

duck, duck, goose.... you're it.

My stbsil-regardless tagged me. She knows I don't know 8 people in the blogging world, but..... here goes.

1.) We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.

2.) Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

3.) People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules.

4.) At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

8 random things about me:

1. I count stairs. No, I don't have to go back to the bottom if I miss a step but I do get rather irritated with myself if I count "15" when I know it should be "16".

2. I have secretly fallen in love with myspace. shhhh-don't tell anyone.

3. I use to think I wasn't a girlie girl- but over time have realized that I am... or atleast try to be. I want to be the makeup carrying, strapy sandle wearing, hair fixin', nail doin' girlie type that i use to make fun of.... all thanks to YOU..... (you know who you are too)

4. I don't use recipes when I cook. So don't ask me for one if you like something I make.

5. My best friend is 4 1/2 years old.












6. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, General Hospital is my favorite tv show, Tetris is my favorite game, Flip flops are my favorite shoe, Tarheels are my favorite team.

7. One year, my brothers and I started taking goofy pictures of the three of us making weird faces and gave it to my mom. Somehow the trend had progressed to actually going to a photographer and having one professionally made. She loves them and has them all framed.

8. I can text WAY faster than you.... it's true.

I am tagging Linds cause she will think it's funny , Tunisia cause you work too hard and need a break, Beth because you are my big sister, Lacey because you are my newest friend, Faith cause you are missed, Renae because I'm glad your back, BJ because you will always be my "first friend" and Sarah cause you are farthest from me.

My baby brother sent this to me today. It came at the perfect time. He blessed me with a little ray of sunshine today and I am so grateful for him and these words.

"Wish List"

-by- Collin McCarty

Of all the things I wish for you, I would give anything if these

wishes could always come true. . . .

I want you to be happy. I want you to fill your heart with feelings of wonder and to be full of courage and hope. I want you to have the type of friendship that is a treasure--and the kind of love that is beautiful forever. I wish you contentment: the sweet, quiet, inner kind that comes around and never goes away.

I want you to have hopes and have them all come true. I want you tomake the most of this moment in time. I want you to have a real understanding of how unique and rare you really are. I want to remind you that the sun may disappear for a while, but it never forgets to shine. I want you to have faith. May you have feelings that are shared from heart to heart, simple pleasures amidst this complex world, and wonderful goals that are within your grasp. May the words you listen to say the things you need to hear. And may a cheerful face lovingly look back at you when you happen to glance in your mirror.

I wish you the insight to see your inner and outer beauty. I wish you sweet dreams. I want you to have times when you feel like singing and dancing and laughing out loud. I want you to be able to make your good times better and your hard times easier to handle. I want you to have millions of moments when you find satisfaction in the things you do so wonderfully. And I wish I could find a way to tell you--in untold ways--how important you are to me.

Of all the things I'll be wishing for, wherever you are and whatever Imay do, there will never be a day in my life when I won't be wishing for the best. . . for you.

forward

it appears that my soon to be ex is willing to settle with me on the custody issues we've been having.
the whole thing seems a little suspect to me though.
he has fought me for weeks on the split custody but now he gives in?
says he wants us to be friends and is scared that if we go to court that won't happen.
i find this amusing because that's been my point all along.
us remaining friends, best friends, is all i've ever wanted.
i've told him this all along and he continued to use custody as a way to drag this out.
now he says he's "ready to move on".
guess i will take it for what it is- a settlement.

i think we are both excited about what the futures holds.
excited of the new possibilities.
excited about a new beginning.
excited about dedicating time we use to spend attempting to salvage our marriage on raising our son together.

at the same time, i am sad.
sad that i no longer have that one person to call if i get a flat tire
if i get sick and can't get out of bed
sad that i am no longer anyone's ‘favorite’
not that i ever felt like his favorite or anything though
not sure why it matters now- maybe because it is so final.

i feel blessed in many other ways though
i will focus on that
my son and i are healthy
i have incredible friends
my family is supportive
my faith is stronger than ever
and....i feel my self-confidence returning